I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
