god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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