I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
