i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
