Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
