he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
