A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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