You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
