My Higher Power is John Stamos
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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