I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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