the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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