I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
