I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
