areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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