I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
