Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
