When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
