my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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