Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
