Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
