he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
