I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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