i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
