I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
