On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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