Sry I called you an 8
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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