wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
