Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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