I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
you inspire me to be a worse person
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
