Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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