you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
