Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
