theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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