my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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