Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
