Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
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