I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
