Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
