I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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