i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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