I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
