Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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