you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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