nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
