Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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