cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
