I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
