Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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