Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
