I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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