This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
