I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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