i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
