I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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