She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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