I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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