i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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