I just saw a hot homeless man
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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